Dealing With Grief

Photo by Jennifer Griffin on Unsplash

 

Everyone has experienced some sort of loss in their life that made them adjust the way they would think or act moving forward. 

Telling someone how they should grieve is never the key way to help, I know that. 

It's because you don't know how that person is feeling, even if their loss may be the same as yours in context. 

Both of you may have lost parents, but your relationship with your parent may have not been as close-knitted and dependant as the other person, so their process of overcoming it isn't going to take a couple of months or years like you. 

I have known persons that have grieved for their losses for years and all of their lives.

I have read that there are different stages of grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining or the "What if, If Only" stage.

Depression

Acceptance

The leap to the different stages is not an easy one. In most cases, moving from one stage to another is a slow staggering crawl that makes you feel as though you may not even be moving at all. 

I had a best friend that died 7 years ago. 

I remember the first time I heard the news. I was in total shock. 

I couldn't believe it because I had just talked to them that morning. 

I vaguely remember sitting on my bed and just staring at the wall. I don't know for how long. 

I kept repeating in my head that it could NOT be true. 

It just couldn't. 

I, then, went to message my best friend in hopes of a response because it had to be a lie. 

It had to be a sick dream I was in because there was no way God would do that to me. 

The call kept going to voicemail before their sister picked up and confirmed it. 

I hung up on her and continued to sit there in silence. 

That loss to me was sudden, but I have had other losses where it was slow. Somehow, the differences are very much slim.

For the stage of denial, I admit that I spent a few days there before crawling into seething anger. 

This stage showed me that loss was something that could shift a person's character if they are nowhere strong or have a support system that can help them through it. 

I have also learned that this stage was one that you can become complacent in. 

You can remain here for a very long time and it is always just a chance that you may see yourself out. 

In this stage, I found myself questioning God way more than I would normally do. 

Challenging Him. 

Doubting Him. 

I was angry that He would take such a good person from me. 

Like, what was the purpose? What have they done?

What have I done?

Gone were the words, that 'God knows what is best ' because I just needed to know. 

What did He know?

I was angry with the circumstances around my best friend's death. I was mad that no one could have seen that something wasn't right?

I was mad at the fashion it happened in. 

This stage was the hardest for me to come out off and I honestly wish I had some guide for you who may be going through this right now to help you, but your loss may be greater than mine and I might not help you in the way that you need. 

All I know is that you have to try to remember the good in those heated moments. 

Even though it sucks and you are going to question it and knock it, God really is the one who knows best. 

Try not to let the anger consume you so much that you don't have a foothold out. 

Try to take a breather and remember the good of that person or that thing. 

It may help. 

I don't remember going to the bargaining stage before I stepped into the depression stage. I think those two mixed together for me. 

I remember crying so much that I couldn't even do my job. I had to call in and regroup, and that still didn't help. 

I remember not wanting to do anything. Constantly picking up my phone to send a text to their phone because it was a habit and when the reminder came that they can't see it, it sent me spiraling again. 

I could not see how I could go on without them there. 

It was such an odd way to think. To even fathom. 

You go from spending every day with this person or thing. Sharing every moment and thought. You go from sharing memories and laughing. Arguing and bonding. 

To nothing. 

It's going to be so hard to come to a concept where you can get over that. 

You're going to start thinking about the 'Only Ifs'. 

Only if I had spent more time with them. Or I would have told them I loved them if I had known... 

You're going to find yourself in dazes for most of the days during this stage. 

Trapped in your mind. 

I encourage you to try your best during this stage to talk to God. 

To write if you have to. 

Find a healthy release system. 

And, if you want to think about your loss then think about the positives and always in a way where you are not pulled back to the lows of missing them, but always the Highs. 

Acceptance took me years to get to, I must confess. 

It was a hard pill to swallow, but I manage to get it down because I realize there was nothing that I can do. 

I could not bring them back. 

I could not change what happened. I could not go back in time. 

But, I had the power to accept and I needed that. I needed something where I was in control of. 

I accepted that I wouldn't be able to see them again, but I had the power of memories to remember them by. 

I had the power to spread great stories about them. To be happy the way they would want me to be. 

No, it won't just be a big grand day of this, but it will come in time. 

It will sneak into the way you speak about them. You will find yourself able to share a story without sadness or anger, but fondness of them. 

Yes, you may still cry for them, but this does not take you back from the stage. 

You will find it in the way you remember them. In a light that shines so bright, it makes you smile again. 

I pray that any of you that are reading this - anyone that is battling with such great loss and grief that you be comforted in a way suitable for you and only God will know how to. 

I pray that you not be overcome with grief, but that you overcome grief. 

That your heart is strong to push through. 

That your mind is a fortress that will not crumble by the weight of depression or anger.

That you will soon come to a day where you will be healed to smile back at these moments. 

That you handle it well. 

In Jesus' name amen. 

I hope that my story helps you. It is for no other reason but to assist you with grief. 

~TheRay